Kolonel's Krank Movie Musings

(Still wish we could've gotten a Venom with the iconic white Spider around his body though.)  Happy Halloween, You slimy, slithering Symbiotes. It’s the Marvelous…ehh, Marvelous might be a little generous, the alright Kolonel Krank! So, what fearful frightfest do I have lined up for All Hallow’s Eve! Well, everyone, get yourselves ready for the terrifying…Venom: The Last Dance? Th…That’s not a horror movie… why I am doing this for Halloween? Oh, that’s right. Because I’m super late to this movie and the biggest horror flick playing near me is Terrifier-3 and, cards on the table, I completely forgot that movie even came out. I might have to swing back around to that one another time. But for now, let’s see just how much verbal venom I have for this extraterrestrial trilogy finale.    Alright so, I’ll admit that my feelings on the first Venom movie were not kind. Even setting aside the idea of doing a movie about Venom, a character largely defined by the relationship to Spi...

  V/H/S Beyond review     (I wonder how long I can lean into this before Nintendo sues my goofy ass)   Greetings, travelers from beyond, it’s your favorite Krocodilian from the Kosmos back again with a spectacularly spooky horrowshow from the fine folks over at Shudder! Here with a review of V/H/S Beyond! Aka, V/H/S…7?! Bruh, the first movie came out when I was still in middle school! …How do I feel old at 25? Uh..sorry, got sidetracked there. Let’s get into the review and Krank up the Noise! So, another October comes around and with it, another entry in the ...venerable…? horror series V/H/S and I have to admit that even as I write this review, there’s still a part of me that simply asks myself ‘How on fucking Earth does a seventh V/H/S film even exist? I’m shocked this series even lasted past the third one.’ Which honestly, is probably the most concrete opinion I’ve managed to form on this series as a whole. Seriously, I feel like I can never pin down any...

... .... …... .. It’s a fucking clock, what do you want me to say? It’s an alarm clock for $100! Nintendo why? Just announce the Switch-2, Please for the love of.. We apologize everyone! Kolonel Krank is currently unavailable, please leave a message at the tone or call back later, goodbye!

(content warning for mentions of abuse and sexual assault.)       (Admittedly, I'm not sure how sensitive it is to make this the thumbnail but I've been seeing this meme all fucking weekend leading up to the movie and I can't get it out of my head so here it is. Hey, turn that frown upside down you costumed clowns because you’re killer kroc is back! That’s right, your precious pudding Kolonel Krank is here with a review of Joker: Foile à Deux and uh…yeah, I’m not gonna lie here, I’m at a bit of a loss here. I’ve had movies inspire joy, frustration, disappointment, and even slight disgust but Apathy, especially at this level, is rare. Even Borderlands, a film I described as ‘cinematic Novocaine’ managed to summon more emotion from me than Joker Foi…fuck it, I’m just calling this thing Joker-2, did. I suppose I should try to collect myself and start with the parts that actually stand out in my mind, as few and far between as they are! Lady Gaga delivers a fairly dec...