Borderlands movie review
Having just returned from the Borderlands movie, I must
admit that a few…questions ran through my little gourd. And not just the usual query
that arises whenever a new piece of Borderlands media hits the market, said query
being “Who did Randy Pitchford swindle money from to produce this one? Did he agree
to make a different film for Lionsgate and siphon said film’s budget into this?
Perhaps he stole a few credit cards from Eli Roth’s wallet after distracting him
with a few ‘magic tricks’ he learned from a Usb drive filled with pornography? Or
maybe he simply decided to underpay the movie’s staff and then refuse to pay out
several bonuses he them. That’s the lovely little surprise that comes from
working with Randy Pitchford! He’s going to get up to some dubiously legal shenanigans
and you’ll never know who’s expense they’ll be at!”
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No, as I sat there in an empty theater, zoning out as I watched the credits flitter by on screen. The question that rang through my head the loudest was “how on Earth did anyone who made this think it was good? No, not even good, acceptable to put in the world?! Who actually believed this would be something that audiences would not only want but pay fucking money for?” This movie is not simply bad, it’s cinematic Novacane. So numbing that even as I sat there watching the film, I was barely able to focus on the film long enough to understand what was happening. Every few minutes, my eyelids grew heavier until I could barely keep myself awake through the film’s third act. uninteresting action scenes, dull line delivery, and a mutated color scheme made for a film that was not only the anthesis to the high-energy, chaotic, and unapologetically loud game series that this trainwreck was supposedly based on, but also made the movie whole unengaging in its own right.
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| Seriously, for all my bitching. I have to admit that this is perfect casting, hands down. |
Let me get the positives out the way ( Don’t worry, this won’t take very long) The actor for Marcus was spot-on, his appearance was absolutely perfect and his voice was so to his game counterpart that I genuinely thought they had just gotten the game V.A to the part, they didn’t but God damn if this wasn’t just perfect casting. Some of the sets also looked alright, true of a lot of the movie’s backdrop is desert with wreckage strewn about but there’s an attempt to adapt elements from the game and make this movie feel somewhat in-line with the rest of the series. If this movie’s sets were incorporated into a Borderlands theme park, I wouldn’t mind strolling around them once or twice. Anything else positive? … I mean… Krieg is pretty spot on and him playing big brother to Tina is kind of cute but that barely has an impact on the movie and Tina herself is sort of annoying … Did I already mention Marcus? He was great! Yeah, that’s about all I got folks. This one’s fucking rough, where do I start?
The cast could not give less of a fuck if they tried, I wouldn’t mind Cate Blanchett as an older Lillith, but she delivers every line like she’s either about crack up laughing or keel over from embarrassment. Not to mention any attempts at emotional beats, such as when the movie brings her frayed relationship with her deceased mother or tries to convey that she’s beginning to see the rest of the cast as a surrogate family, it not only falls flat on its face, but it also comes off disingenuous after a while. Blanchett seemed to be as bored making this as I was watching so hey, good to know I’m not alone in my disdain. Kevin Hart as Ronald doesn’t fate much better, the funniest thing about his performance is how comically miscast he is for the character. Playing an imposing, stoic soldier and strategic leader from the games by turning him into a loudmouth goofball pantomiming a solider, he even opens the movie by actively making fun of the gear he’s wearing. Even in the few times Ronald has a proper action scene, Kevin Hart just looks ridiculous trying be cool or heroic because he constantly overacts. Either with exaggerated facial expressions or by screaming out a joke while fighting for his fucking life. Ariana Greenblat’s Tina is almost the exact problem as Hart’s Ronald, taking an oddly understated approach to a character who’s supposed to be boisterous and constantly spouting some sort of bizarre dialogue. While admittedly, some may find Greenblatt’s take on the character less annoying than the original, she does so little in the film other than make a few piffy jokes and be the living MacGuffin that both get Lillith on Pandora in the first place and serves as the reason why the villainous company, Atlas, is chasing our heroes. Jamie Lee Curis as Tannis is practically a non-presence, she exists only to spout exposition and give insight into Lillith’s backstory. She could be replaced by Lillith simply deciding to open up about her history and absolutely nothing about the story. The nicest thing I can say about how our cast of heroes is Jack Black is charismatic as always. Even then, don’t expect any ‘Peaches’ level stand-out moments like what you got from the Mario Movie. He comes in, does some jokes and that’s about it. The only reason he isn’t bad as the rest is because his role as comedic-relief sidekick lets him treat this script as the farce it is.
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| I will say that I might grab this Claptrap bucket, it can go next to the Mean Girls one (yes, I have that. It's fetch.) |
Unfortunately, the villains don’t fare much better. Atlas and, his self-named company, and personal army, The Crimson Lance are a legion of faceless goons are such a non-threat that they make the Battle Droids from the prequels feel like the antagonists of a Tarantino film in comparison. These dumb bastards get outwitted by Ronald driving in reverse at one point in the movie, they’re nowhere near threatening enough to work as intimidating villains nor are they funny enough to be joke villains, though the movie does try at few point such as when Atlas sends some goons to hair Lillith only for her to kill them with ease, or Ronald having an awkward conversation with an Crimson Lance soldier at a bar. These scenes, like most of the movie’s attempt at comedy, are as funny as a funeral proceeding. Atlas also has a right woman who has, at best, 3-4 scenes yet is treated as such an important antagonist that she gets a scene in the climax dedicated her that goes against what little character the movie bothered to established for her in such a bizarre, out of left field fashion that I suspect she may have had a subplot cut from the film.
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| Holy fuck, you can still see the blonde tips! How did this make it to film? |
Almost as bad as the acting was the costuming, Cate Blanchett’s hair is dyed such a bright shade of red that it looks like a wig in some shots, it genuinely looks worse than the majority of Lillith cosplays you can find through a quick Google search, it’s distractingly bad to the point of making an already bad performance seem even more laughably poor. Most of the masks and helmets are so obviously plastic that they won’t look out of place at a Spirit Halloween, and the only decent C.G effect is Claptrap, the rest of the C.G effects looks so glossy and fake that they genuinely seem unfinished. I don’t want to put to much pressure on the VFX studio because I know things are rough for VFX houses at the moment but these effects are so bad that they would have been considered poor back in 2009 when the first Borderlands game dropped. Fuck, movie critics love to use ‘looks like a video game’ as an insult towards movie but the Borderlands movie not only look worse than most AAA video games that have come out this year, but it also looks worse than any of the Borderlands games, including the first two entries back on the 360 & Ps3!
Look, a movie being bad isn’t the end all, be all honestly. A bad movie can be fun in some regards. Plenty of bad movies get to be cult classics even. Borderlands largest issue is not that it’s bad, it’s that it’s boring. Never once did the movie cheaply made actions scene, ill-conceived comedy, or half-hearted references to the games make me even so much as smile, and this is coming from someone who gives those games much more credit than most. The Borderlands series is built on undeniably engaging gameplay, a perfect mixture of satisfying RpG character building and fast-paced frenetic first person shooting that can ensure a player hours of fun. Hell, I even think some of the overarching lore involving the Eridian aliens and the various vaults they’ve hidden around the galaxy, has the potential for some genuinely intriguing sci-fi story telling. The games also have a beautiful cell-shading art-style, some fun character designs, and the potential to emotionally invest the audience in those characters when it’s not constantly turning its campaigns into an open-mic night for every hack writer who thinks they can be the next Joss Whedon, Justin Roiland, or Zach Hadel. Problem, none of Borderlands qualities actually translate to a decent movie, in fact I’d argue that only it’s drawbacks could be brought to the silver screen and the people behind this movie didn’t even bother to do that. Sure, the bad comedy in the Borderlands games can be annoying but I can remember annoying, it sticks out in my brain as something notable. This movie is just boring, and I’m not going to remember that. Fuck, I struggle to remember this movie even as I write this.
In conclusion, this movie is a vapid attempt to cash in on the rising popularity of video games in the past 4-5 years. For all its glamor and high-minded self-importance, Hollywood is barely different from the Boom towns that sprung during the Gold Rush. Stripping mining any trends it can find before moving on when the land is barren. Whether it’s the plethora of movies based of Y.A novels after the Hunger Games got big (fuck, you could even argue Harry Potter started that trend to a degree) Or the dominance of the box office that comic book movies have enjoyed for the last decade and half since Iron Man dropped in 2008 and began the MCU. Hollywood is always looking for the next way to rope in as many asses in seats as possible, especially in recent years as the rise of streaming demonstrated how little people really need theaters to get their entertainment fix, and video game movies seem to be quickly going from dead on arrival to untapped potential just waiting to seized upon. With The success of Sonic movies, a Super Mario bros film, and fucking Five Nights at Freddy’s film, fuck a Five Nights at Freddys film from Blumhouse of all studios. Not to mention the Mortal Kombat movie from 2021 being surprisingly profitable for HBO Max, earning $84 million on a $55 million production budget (at least according to Wikipedia) Every movie studio is probably scrounging for every video game property they can get their grubby little hands on and I doubt that’s going to stop any time soon, with a third Sonic movie on the way this December and a Minecraft movie with Jason Momoa and Jack Black on the way next April (why do half these fucking movies have Jack Black in them? How much money are they offering him?) and games such as Death Stranding, Metal Gear, and Gravity having movies in production, we’re witnessing the beginning a new era for Hollywood, one that will most likely be filled with the same profit-hungry bullshit as always. Let’s all collectively cross our fingers and hope we at least get a few good movies out of this whole endeavor, because if they all end up like Borderlands, we’re in fucking trouble kids. I’d tell you all not to go see Borderlands but looking at this movie’s box office, I’m probably preaching to the choir on that matter. Still, just in case you need to hear it again, don’t see this fucking movie, if you want a Borderlands fix, all the games are all on Steam and quite good, be sure to try Pre-Sequel, that one doesn’t get near enough love in my opinion. If you want to go to the movies, Deadpool & Wolverine is still playing and Alien Romulus hits screen on the 15th, both are better choices than this little disaster. Yes, I know Romulus isn't out yet, yes I know it's an Alien sequel, which are historically terrible after Aliens, but I don't care. However bad it may be, it's almost certainly better than this fucking movie. If it's isn't then God help us all, it's gonna be a rough ride. Welp, that's all I got folks. Have a nice night, be sure to tip your waitress, and ring the bell or however I’m supposed to end this, see ya.
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